The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught: Afterwards - 1.21.03
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On The Last Exit Arthur did his best to bring us proof of Zoltan's status.
Arthur being Arthur, he brought a dream he had as proof.  In the dream,
Zoltan was a naked rabbit who was bad at playing cards.  On this, we have
determined that Zoltan is dead, again, and gone and will proceed with our
Zoltan Memorial Show next week.  I already have confirmation from Shoebox
that he will attend, and Satan has contacted me to say the same.

We have a new poll up to see what YOU think Zoltan's status is.  Please, go
to the webpage, http://listen.to/thelastexit and let us know what you
think...

If you go to Googilism.com you can find out some info on Zoltan that's
rather odd...

Googlism for: zoltan

zoltan is a consummate street entertainer
zoltan is a street
zoltan is accepted in a foresthome but makes enemies
zoltan is designed to be flexible and extensible
zoltan is suddenly rich
zoltan is sued for malpractice
zoltan is a born pommel horse worker
zoltan is a 74 year old tenant
zoltan is a vampire dog
zoltan is my first choice as a bass sub at the players school of music
zoltan is a big philanderer
zoltan is betting
zoltan is trying to verify his idea
zoltan is unleashed on the world once more
zoltan is gracious and eager to show me around
zoltan is a poet as well and has published an entire book entitled "the same
sea"
zoltan is a singer
zoltan is the only designer in the history of the show to win both new
design talent and new designer of the year
zoltan is interested in the distinction between implicit and explicit
knowledge
zoltan is the last name in this book
zoltan is an aerobatic pilot
zoltan is the technical whiz of the band
zoltan is one of the busiest drummers in sweden
zoltan is hungarian by birth and served as a fighter pilot but had to flee
after resisting the soviet invasion
zoltan is an extrememly powerful writer with an imagination that is out of
this world
zoltan is not my name
zoltan is the most terrifying creature to ever walk the earth
zoltan is a young
zoltan is naca pointed
zoltan is doing perineal massage
zoltan is getting ready for catching
zoltan is incredibly reliable because it only uses one moving part
zoltan is just sufficient under both these perspectives
zoltan is a thoroughly nice guy
zoltan is a summa cum laude
zoltan is to allow options which specify
zoltan is studying the dispersal of the sand martin
zoltan is spoken
zoltan is completed
zoltan is not in the chat room it may be down for maintenance
zoltan is working as bouncer
zoltan is "invited" to see arch
zoltan is a modified digital timepiece that displays time and date
zoltan is unbelievably great
zoltan is a linux
zoltan is sent to bite the sleeping man
zoltan is successful but has less than scientific interests at heart
zoltan is looking at me as though an american air strike has hit me in the
head and scrambled my brains
zoltan is scared of poles because they remind him of when the people were
hanged by the germans
zoltan is a very good instructor
zoltan is leaving
zoltan is a famous public leader
zoltan is a relatively young drummer
zoltan is representing the ultimate virtuosity of the hungarian school
zoltan is not a celebrity
zoltan is a halfbreed
zoltan is so complete
zoltan is on holiday
zoltan is from vienna
zoltan is critically injured by a "tame" lion
zoltan is the machine that made the kid/tom hanks in "big"
zoltan is 1996
zoltan is "up close and personal" as he spends time with each student
covering topics such as pigments

Who knew all this about Zoltan!  We will have more odd Zoltan facts in the
Beforehands, and more yet presented during the Memorial Show.  It will be
something NOT to be missed!
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The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - January 24, 2003
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Okay.  Just had lots of fun reformatting my computer!  Jolly time it was.
Anyways, The Metallic Onslaught is on tonight, although as with last week,
there is a chance it could be on late if there is a game on or something.
That's not something we know in advance.  As far as I know, everyone will be
there that usually is there.

I'm a bit disappointed in the poll turnout for this week.  I mean, ok, last
week was a poll having to do with the last HOUR of The Last Exit, and I'm
surprised as many people voted as did.  BUT COME ON!  This is YOUR
opportunity to vote how YOU feel about Zoltan.  So far, this is what we
got...

Zoltan the Avenger...

 1.)  Is Alive and Well, and Shall Soon Return to Avenge all the Horrible
Things That Have Been Said of Him!!! - 3
 2.)  Is Dead. And That's Makes Me Sad. 1
 3.)  Is A Weenie, Alive or Dead. 0
 4.)  Sucks. I don't care if he's Alive or Dead. 2

So, the majority, for the moment, seems to think he's gonna make some
triumphant return from the dead (again) and actually Avenge something.  GO
VOTE.  I'm leaving the poll up till the Zoltan Memorial Show, which is,
SATURDAY!  That's right.  I am confident that Zoltan is dead and gone.  Yes,
I've said that about Handy, and then he's come back, but dammit, Zoltan is
not a puppet.  I think it's safe to say that Zoltan is gone.  For good.  And
so, we will have this memorial to him, and play some of his favorite music,
and discuss some of the fun times we had with him.  Shoebox should be there,
Satan should be there, Arthur of course, and who knows who else may show up.
I hope to make this a show to remember.  And, with Zoltan dead, it will be
the last time that you will hear his rather impressive intro music.  And
now, a selection of Little-known Zoltan facts...  First, from Shoebox...

ZOLTAN FACTS WHICH I MADE UP MANY OF BUT BITE ME:

- Zoltan was a touring member of Journey in 1983, before being replaced by
what's-his-name-who-the-hell-cares-the-only-member-of-Journey-whose-name-any
one-remembers-is-Steve-Perry

- Zoltan has a mullet, though it is not a particularly impressive mullet

- Zoltan is a bald Canadian street entertainer
(http://www.justadequate.com/zoltan.htm )

- Zoltan is flammable

- Zoltan is always moist in three places, and usually in four.

- Zoltan's head has been the victim of more humpings and attempted humpings
than any other head in the Last Exit's history.

- The best way to kill Zoltan is to cause him to die.

- Zoltan wears a fuzzy hat which gives him superhuman powers (where "powers"
means "cranial furriness.")

- "Zoltan" backwards is "Natloz"

- Though Zoltan calls himself an "Avenger," Captain America disavows any
knowledge of him.

- Zoltan is a library developed at developed at Sandia National Laboratories
which provides data management services for parallel applications (
http://www.cs.sandia.gov/Zoltan/ )

- Zoltan eats Power Bars because he has not yet figured out that they taste
like crap.

- Zoltan can travel through time, but only forwards, and only at the rate at
which time actually passes (one second per second.)

- The best way to cause Zoltan to enter a continuous orbital pattern is to
build a random number generator into a digital tire pressure gauge and send
him to his car.

- During Zoltan's conception, his parents engaged in sexual intercourse.

- Denim is not really as cool as Zoltan thinks it is

- Zoltan masturbates with Transformers.  He saves Ultra Magnus for special
occasions.

- Every time a bell rings, Zoltan gets a wedgie


And now, some comments from Vern (who, even though he's not dead, at least
he's in hell and will NEVER be on The Last Exit EVER again!)

- Zoltan is the creator of the ice cream flavor "Z."  Eating "Z" will cause
immediate death to anyone who is not a Chilean transsexual dwarf.

- Zoltan's least favorite Christmas present was a pair of socks made out of
sandpaper.

- Zoltan's favorite Christmas present was the-ham-to-end-all hams from
Hanuman...THE MAN OF HAM!!!!!!!!!!  It is a magical ham which one can never
finish.

- Zoltan bathes only in pure spring water or the blood of rodents.  He often
bathes with the-ham-to-end-all-hams.

- Currently, V-DOGG has a death warrant out on Zoltan...a Virginia state
quarter for whoever can kill Zoltan with an origami paper crane.  So far,
V-DOGG has had no takers.

- Zoltan rhymes with Can-Can...strangely enough, the Can-Can is Zoltan's
favorite dance.

- Sometimes, when he's lonely, Zoltan hops.

-  Zoltan cannot sleep for long without his most beloved (and only)
childhood toy, the stuffed zebra Zebraoltan.

-  Zoltan's parents did not believe in giving him toys...instead, he played
with gravel, fuzzy hats, and cottage cheese.

-  For some reason, whenever someone mentions Zoltan's name to Dr. Phil
(Zoltan's physiatrist), Dr. Phil goes mad for 2 minutes and 24 seconds,
strips naked, and constantly screams "Naffa Naffa Neew Kaphlapha."

-  In a past life, Zoltan was Napoleon's soap.

-  Worried that it would undermine his credibility (HA!) Zoltan recently put
a stop to a congressional act to add the letter "~" [pronounced
Whoody-Doo]to the alphabet after "Z."  He achieved this amazing task by
assuring each congressman that he would personally visit them if they voted
for the measure.

-  Sometimes, when he's happy, Zoltan's teeth sweat.

-  Zoltan is really nothing more than a figment of Vern's imagination
projected somehow into the world as we know it...Vern sincerely apologizes.


So there you have it.  Whatever it is.  Think of it as a prelude the
bizarreness that awaits you on Saturday night's Last Exit broadcast.

Upcoming, we will be having a nice and fun GIVEAWAY show.  I already have
some neat goodies to give out, and hope that many more will appear.
February 1st is the planned date for that.  And the 15th is the planned date
for the Apocalypse Box to implode.  I'll be so glad to be rid of that
nuisance, a leftover from Timmy when he was forced to leave with Vern and
take him to Hell.  Kinda miss Timmy.  Oh well...  I really have NO idea what
will happen on that show...
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The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught - January 31, 2003
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Yeah, I know, I didn't send out an Afterwards again.  Sorry.

Saw The Witching play at The Haunt last night, pretty good show.  5 girls
making a lot of noise.  Maybe we'll have them on the show when they get a CD
done.  You can check out their site at www.thewitching.com.

So last week was The Zoltan Memorial Show on The Last Exit.  And it was
rather memorble.  There was a lot of insanity, as Shoebox was present, as
well as Rub McGroin, Satan, Friend, Arthur, GorGar, an Apparent Zoltan
Imposter (claiming to be the real Zoltan), and eventually a whole group of
Zoltan clones.  It was really messy by the end.  The attached picture is of
Friend attacking the fake(?) Zoltan one of many times.  Arthur is to the
right and The Giant Canadian is off on the left...  I think it was the
craziest show since the Armageddon show last year.  If not more-so...  The
only downside is the internet was down most of the show.  And our thanks to
Shoebox (of Worm Quartet (www.wormquartet.com) who is playing TONIGHT at the
Steel Street Music Hall in Rochester along with Torso's from Space and some
other bands!) for composing his heartfelt "Ode to Zoltan"...

The final results of the Zoltan poll...

Zoltan the Avenger...

Sucks. I don't care if he's Alive or Dead. 5
Is Alive and Well, and Shall Soon Return to Avenge all the Horrible Things
That Have Been Said of Him!!! - 4
Is A Weenie, Alive or Dead. 2
Is Dead. And That's Makes Me Sad. 1

So it was a close one, but Sucks wins...

Ok, so this week...  The Metallic Onslaught should be on at the normal time.
Shoebox will obviously not be there as he will be playing in Rochester.
Rick will also be at that show.  I have no idea what Jeffie is doing,
although he swears he will go to the Worm Quartet show and perform WITH
Shoebox.  Lance and Joe will definitely be on the air for your
entertainment, though.
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The Last Exit for the Metallic Onslaught: Afterwards - February 3, 2003
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"Saying you'll be happy when things change in your experience is like saying
you'll smile when your reflection in the mirror smiles first."

That was a strange weekend.  I was at the Worm Quartet show on Friday night,
and Shoebox put on a very good show.  Too bad he was limited to only 30
minutes...  Anyway, Jeffie really wanted to get on stage, but Arthur stopped
that even before it started.  Arthur claims to have been hired by 'someone'
to keep Jeffie from having fun.  Probably a good thing, really.  He chased
Jeffie from the show.  Jeffie made his way to The Metallic Onslaught.
Apparently, someone put an ad in the paper for a Jeffie replacement.
Everyone claimed it was Jeffie himself, Jeffie denied it.  So who really
knows.  Anyway, Lance and Joe were there with Morey.  Morey was, well, I
only heard a bit of it, but he was odd, sorta like Jeff but different.  Jeff
was upset, he started picking on Morey.  That tells you something, doesn't
it?  But never to fear, because Arthur was fairly close behind, came
bursting through the door and beat the snot out of Jeffie.  He made Jeffie
bleed.  This is the first time that this new Jeffie bled.  Apparently Jeffie
and Morey took turns tasting it to make sure it was blood.  Um...  yeah.
Ok....

As for The Last Exit, things were pretty calm and normal till Gorgar's
corner was done.  I don't know, I guess we should expect this stuff from
Arthur, but...  There we were talking, and suddenly some porn music starts
playing.  Arthur said it was his cue that they needed him.  He then claimed
he was a porn star and started stripping.  Gorgar, being the closest to him,
was especially horrified.  Arthur then went into the Bathroom and shut the
door.  He occasionally came out.  Naked.  And he danced.  It was truly
disturbing.  I can only imagine how much worse it could have gotten if
Friend had shown up.  What would he have done?  Do you even want to think
about it?  The attached pic is of when Arthur came out for the talk-break.
He said they were shooting the storyline parts and didn't need him for a few
minutes.  He was still naked.  Gorgar was VERY unhappy.  I, of course, took
a picture.  I'm sorry...

And I almost forgot, something even more horrible happened.  Timmy, The
Prophet of Doom, who we haven't heard from since he was forced to leave and
take Vern with him, called.  That wasn't the bad part.  His news however,
was slightly bleak.  He lost Vern.  He was out looking for him, but was
having no luck.  So, he called to warn us.  It was nice to hear from Timmy
again, but him losing Vern is very, very bad...

Speaking of Timmy, he was the one who left us The Apocalypse Box, which is
still set to implode on February 15th.  No clue what that will cause.

And lastly, the final story we read last night, came from here;
http://www3.tky.3web.ne.jp/~edjacob/intro.htm.  It's the Quirky Japan
Homepage.  The story we read came from the Television and Videos section...
NASUBI was the name of it...


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